No. XV

The Dancing Master Abroad

I wish that are black heifer in the kitchen would give over singing that are everlastin dismal tune, said the Clockmaker, it makes my head ache. You've heerd a song afore now, said he, hav'nt you, till you was fairly sick of it? for I have, I vow. The last time I was in Rhode Island, (all the galls sing there, and its generally allowed there's no such singers any where; they beat the EYE-talians a long chalk—they sing so high some on em, they go clear out o' hearin sometimes, like a lark) well, you heerd nothin but 'Oh no, we never mention her,' well, I grew so plaguy tired of it, I used to say to myself, I'd sooner see it, than heer tell of it, I vow, I wish to gracious you 'would never mention her,' for it makes me feel ugly to hear that same thing for ever and ever and amen that way. Well, they've got a cant phrase here, 'the schoolmaster is abroad,' and every feller tells you that fifty times a day. There was a chap said to me not long ago, at Truro, Mr. Slick, this Country is rapidly improving, 'the schoolmaster is abroad now,' and he looked as knowin as though he had found a mate's nest. So I should think, said I, and it would jist be about as well, I guess, if he'd stay to home and mind his business, for your folks are so consoomedly ignorant, I reckon he's abroad een amost all his time. I hope when he returns, he'll be the better of his travels, and that's more nor many of our young folks are who go 'abroad,' for they import more airs and nonsense, than they dispose of one while, I tell you—some of the stock remains on hand all the rest of their lives. There's nothin I hate so much as cant, of all kinds, its a sure sign of a tricky disposition. If you see a feller cant in religion, clap your hand into your pocket, and lay right hold of your puss, or he'll steal it as sure as you're alive; and if a man cant in politics, he'll sell you if he gets a chance, you may depend. Law and physic are jist the same, and every mite and morsel as bad. If a lawyer takes to cantin, its like the fox preachin to the geese, he'll eat up his whole congregation; and if a doctor takes to it, he's a quack as sure as rates. The Lord have massy on you, for he wont. I'd sooner trust my chance with a naked hook any time, than one that's half covered with bad bait. The fish will sometimes swaller the one, without thinkin, but they get frightened at tother, turn tail and off like a shot. Now, to change the tune, I'll give the Blue Noses a new phrase. They'll have an election most likely next year, and then 'the dancin master will be abroad.' A candidate is a most particular polite man, a noddin here, and a bowin there, and a shakin hands all round. Nothin improves a man's manners like an election. 'The dancin master's abroad then;' nothin gives the paces equal to that, it makes them as squirmy as an eel, they cross hands and back agin, set to their partners and right and left in great style, and slick it off at the eend, with a real complete bow, and a smile for all the world as sweet as a cat makes at a pan of new milk. Then they get as full of compliments as a dog is full of fleas—enquirin how the old lady is to home, and the little boy that made such a wonderful smart answer, they never can forget it till next time; a praisin a man's farm to the nines, and a tellin of him, how scandalous the road that leads to his location has been neglected, and how much he wants to find a real complete hand that can build a bridge over his brook, and axin him if HE ever built one. When he gets the hook baited with the right fly, and the simple critter begins to jump out of water arter it, all mouth and gills, he winds up the reel, and takes leave, a thinkin to himself 'now you see what's to the eend of my line, I guess I'll know where to find you when I want you.'

There's no sort of fishin requires so much practice as this. When bait is scarce one worm must answer for several fish. A handful of oats in a pan, arter it brings one horse up in a pastur for the bridle, serves for another, a shakin of it, is better than a givin of it, it saves the grain for another time. It's a poor business arter all is electioneering, and when 'the Dancin Master is abroad,' he's as apt to teach a man to cut capers and get larfed at as any thing else. It tante every one that's soople enough to dance real complete. Politicks take a great deal of time, and grinds away a man's honesty near about as fast as cleaning a knife with brick dust, 'it takes its steel out.' What does a critter get arter all for it in this country, why nothin but expense and disappointment. As King Solomon says, (and that are man was up to a thing or two, you may depend, tho' our professor did say he warn't so knowin as Uncle Sam,) it's all vanity and vexation of spirit.

I raised a four year old colt once, half blood, a perfect pictur of a horse, and a genuine clipper, could gallop like the wind; a real daisy, a perfect doll, had an eye like a weasel, and nostril like Commodore Rodgers's speakin trumpet. Well, I took it down to the races at New York, and father he went along with me; for says he, Sam, you don't know every thing, I guess, you hant cut your wisdom teeth yet, and you are goin among them that's had 'em through their gums this while past. Well, when we gets to the races, father he gets colt and puts him in an old waggon, with a worn out Dutch harness, and breast band; he looked like Old Nick, that's a fact. Then he fastened a head martingale on, and buckled it to the girths atwixt his fore legs. Says I, father, what on airth are you at? I vow I feel ashamed to be seen with such a catamaran as that, and colt looks like old Saytan himself—no soul would know him. I guess I warn't born yesterday, says he, let me be, I know what I am at. I guess I'll slip it into 'em afore I've done as slick as a whistle. I guess I can see as far into a mill stone as the best on 'em. Well, father never entered the horse at all, but stood by and see'd the races, and the winnin horse was followed about by the matter of two or three thousand people, a praisin of him and admirin him. They seemed as if they never had see'd a horse afore. The owner of him was all up on eend a boastin of him, and a stumpin the course to produce a horse to run agin him for four hundred dollars. Father goes up to him, lookin as soft as dough, and as meechin as you please, and says he, friend, it tante every one that has four hundred dollars—its a plaguy sight of money, I tell you; would you run for one hundred dollars, and give me a little start? if you would, I'd try my colt out of my old waggon agin you, I vow. Let's look at your horse, says he; so away they went, and a proper sight of people arter them to look at colt, and when they see'd him they sot up such a larf, I felt een a most ready to cry for spite. Says I to myself; what can possess the old man to act arter that fashion, I do believe he has taken leave of his senses. You need'nt larf, says Father, he's smarter than he looks; our Minister's old horse, Captain Jack, is reckoned as quick a beast of his age as any in our location, and that are colt can beat him for a lick of a quarter of a mile quite easy—I see'd it myself. Well, they larfed agin louder than before, and says father, if you dispute my word, try me; what odds will you give? Two to one, says the owner—800 to 400 dollars. Well, that's a great deal of money, aint it, says father, if I was to lose it I'd look pretty foolish, would'nt I. How folks would pass their jokes at me when I went home again. You would'nt take that are waggon and harness for fifty dollars of it, would you? says he. Well, says the other, sooner than disappoint you, as you seem to have set your mind on losing your money, I don't care if I do.

As soon as it was settled, father drives off to the stables, and then returns mounted, with a red silk pocket handkerchief tied round his head, and colt a looking like himself as proud as a nabob, chock full of spring like the wire eend of a bran new pair of trowser galluses—one said that's a plaguy nice lookin colt that old feller has arter all, that horse will show play for it yet, says a third; and I heard one feller say, I guess that's a regular Yankee trick, a complete take in. They had a fair start for it, and off they sot, father took the lead and kept it, and won the race, tho' it was a pretty tight scratch, for father was too old to ride colt, he was near about the matter of seventy years old. Well when the colt was walked round after the race, there was an amasin crowd arter him, and several wanted to buy him; but, says father, how am I to get home without him, and what shall I do with that are waggon and harness so far as I be from Slickville. So he kept them in talk, till he felt their pulses pretty well, and at last he closed with a Southerner for 700 dollars, and we returned, having made a considerable good spec of colt. Says father to me, Sam says he, you seed the crowd a follerin the winnin horse, when we came there, did'nt you? yes Sir, said I, I did. Well, when colt beat him, no one follered him at all, but come a crowded about HIM. That's popularity, said he, soon won, soon lost—cried up sky high one minute, and deserted the next or run down; colt will share the same fate. He'll get beat afore long, and then he's done for. The multitude are always fickle minded. Our great Washington found that out, and the British officer that beat Bounaparte, the bread they gave him turned sour afore he got half through the loaf. His soap had hardly stiffened afore it ran right back to lye and grease agin. I was sarved the same way, I liked to have missed my pension, the Committee said I warn't at Bunker's hill at all, the villans. That was a Glo—-, (thinks I, old boy, if you once get into that are field, you'll race longer than colt, a plaguy sight; you'll run clear away to the fence to the far eend afore you stop, so I jist cut in and took a hand myself,) yes, says I, you did 'em father, properly, that old waggon was a bright scheme, it led 'em on till you got 'em on the right spot, did'nt it? Says father, THERE'S A MORAL SAM, IN EVERY THING IN NATUR. Never have nothin to do with elections, you see the valy of popularity in the case of that are horse—sarve the public 999 times, and the 1,000th, if they don't agree with you, they desart and abuse you—see how they sarved old John Adams, see how they let Jefferson starve in his old age, see how good old Munroe like to have got right into Jail, after his term of President was up. They may talk of independence, says father, but Sam, I'll tell you what independence is, and he gave his hands a slap agin his trowses pocket, and made the gold eagles he won at the race all jingle agin; THAT, says he, giving them another wipe with his fist, (and winkin as much as to say do you hear that my boy) THAT I CALL INDEPENDENCE. He was in great spirits, the old man, he was so proud of winnin the race, and puttin the leake into the New Yorkers—he looked all dander. Let them great hungry, ill favored, long legged bitterns, says he, (only he called them by another name that don't sound quite pretty) from the outlandish states to Congress, TALK ABOUT independence; but Sam, said he, (hitting the Shiners agin till be made them dance right up an eend in his pocket) I LIKE TO FEEL IT.

No Sam, said be, line the pocket well first, make that independent, and then the spirit will be like a horse turned out to grass in the spring, for the first time, he's all head and tail, a snortin and kickin and racin and carryin on like mad—it soon gets independent too. While it's in the stall it may hold up, and paw, and whiner, and feel as spry as any thing, but the leather strap keeps it to the manger, and the lead weight to the eend of it makes it hold down its head at last. No, says he, here's independence, and he gave the Eagles such a drive with his fist, he bust his pocket and sent a whole raft of them a spinnin down his leg to the ground—says I, father, (and I swear I could hardly keep from larfin, he looked so peskily vexed) Father, says I, I guess there's a moral in that are too—EXTREMES NARY WAY ARE NONE O' THE BEST. Well, well, says he, (kinder snappishly) I suppose you're half right, Sam, but weve said enough about it, let's drop the subject, and see if I have picked em all up, for my eyes are none of the best now, I'm near hand to seventy.